The Voice Your Children Hear for Life

by Rich Andrews | More from this Blogger

02 Jul 2008 02:20 PM

Have you ever heard your father say, "How could you have done something so stupid?" or "What on earth possessed you to do that?" What is really telling is when the child who hears these questions from their dads is all grown up, and he or she continues to hear these same questions in the that same familiar voice inside of their head. Only this time it's at work, they just made a mistake, and they are so critical of themselves that they can't get beyond the mistake in order to find the answer. Maybe they try to hide their mistake, only to be found out later by the authorities (Can you say, Enron?).

This person did not have a father who loved them unconditionally, who could teach them through the mistakes that inevitably will come our way. Instead of saying "what did you do that for?" that same dad could say, "If you had it do all over again, what would you do differently?" That takes the shame and the blame out of the equation and causes the child to look at their problems objectively and to learn how to solve them all on their own. Someone who can take responsibility for their mistakes is usually confident enough to find the solution. Children who grow up with overly critical parents usually try and hide from responsibility, avoid confronting problems, and just want to forget the emotional pain they felt growing up.

Your children will forget about the stuff you bought for them. But, they won't forget what you have taught them through your words and actions. Why not have them remember something positive. Just from a purely selfish perspective, Social Security is probably not going to be around when we retire, or even be enough to help sustain us financially. When little Johnny or Suzie grow up they might be more inclined to help out dear old dad and send him a check if they remember to good things you said and taught them. Did you teach them about unconditional love, how to solve their own problems, how to manage their finances? Let that be the voice your children hear when they are adults.

Learn more about Rich Andrews

Rich has been married 20 years to his wife Laura. They have 4 children together, one with many special health and learning needs because of velocardiofacial syndrome.

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NathanGreenberg (5) 27 Dec 2008 11:32 AM

Mr. Andrews - Are you suggesting Dads should never be critical of their child(ren)? If Dad is never upset, disappointed, or purely shocked at the less-than-wise actions of their kids, how will that child react when the real world shows those emotions? Their coach will certainly not be as forgiving. Nor will their boss. Or their Drill Sergeant. Or their teachers. Sometimes it is the reaction of the parent that keeps kids from doing things again. Next time Johnny decides to jump his bike off a 20-foot ramp or Suzie feels like climbing on the roof, they might remember Daddy saying, "That wasn't a smart thing to do!"

pastfirst (135) 06 Jan 2009 04:48 AM

I enjoyed and related to your post. It's about the way we criticise our kids that makes an impression on their future lives. The writer is not suggesting we don't teach out children right from wrong, but that we must be careful how we phrase remarks which can damage their self esteem for their whole lives. I'm now in my 50's but I've never forgotten critical remarks made to me by my mother. She always saw herself as a model mom but she made sure my self esteem was zero for most of my life! I've never forgotten how she'd tell me that"she didn't know what she'd done to deserve someone like me as a daughter" My only crime was to have answered her not to her liking. We must teach our children to be better human beings and to think for themselves.

Dale Harcombe (10339) 06 Jan 2009 01:34 PM

I had a friend whose father always told her she was stupid. Hardly surprising she grew up with no self confidence at all. Parents need to be careful what we say to kids and how.